we made out on top of his cat.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize