Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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