phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize