I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize