i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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