So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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