I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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