the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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