Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
