When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You're a waste of cheezeits
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
