I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
