the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
