it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
