I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You're like the curious george of whores
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
