you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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