A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
