Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
