We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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