I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
