I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
