I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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