u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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