I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
