i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
