You're so nebulous sometimes
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
