dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
