I cannot find my penis.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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