a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
