Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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