I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Someone shit on the floor
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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