I'm laying in your front yard are you home
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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