There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
