My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
