I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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