maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
