I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
