I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
