Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
