The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
