mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize