from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
