I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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