I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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