three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize