I hate your face
from now on my penis is your penis
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
