I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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