My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize