I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
