Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize