i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
