i will never coherently bang her
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Randomize
