my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
