Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
