i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
