So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
