if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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