it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
