i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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