I got chris browned last night
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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